I live in a vacation like setting, but honey this is no vacation. I am blessed to be in a warm climate, have a serene place to live with beautiful sunsets and a resort up the block where I can go and pretend I am on vacation. I am tired. Bone tired or this illness. And while at the doctor on Friday, I said to my doctor, it's just wherever you go chronic illness comes with you, there is no getting away from it, and I just want a break. I want to hop on a plane and go far far away but I can't. I can't go anywhere where it won't follow me. And that is the burden anyone carries with a chronic illness, finding the escape.
I know I am better and stronger. I am actually a working girl the past week...my doctor's receptionist left without notice and I offered to help out with the billing. My doctor asked, "are you sure you will feel well enough" and I laughed and said, "well if I don't at least I am at my doctor's office," and we both laughed. This was my vacation. It was a good test, a controlled environment, having the security of being with my doctor when my vision became blurry and I became light headed...but it also reminded me, "I am not lazy" - I am sick. So I "worked" a few hours two days this week and it felt good. I am not getting paid even though she offered because one, I know myself I would take it way to seriously and two it felt good to be able to help someone out who has helped me so much.
I am getting better since I even offered to do this, and was able to as she said learn something in a half hour that has taken her days to treat others, so with my "half" a brain I am still above average! I also today was able to meet a friend for an hour and sit outside and with encouragement got to the pool. While I didn't swim, I made it. While I was lying in the beautiful cool air with the warm sun, I overheard some elderly men talking, and one asked how the other was doing. One replied, "well, I'm vertical!" and the other laughed and said, "well I showed up!" and I thought wow, little do these men know that the slender, ipod wearing "young" woman lying on the lounge chair and them had so much in common...I showed up and often that makes all the difference.