|Thank you Addison|
Am I nervous, hell to the yes. It's hot which means flying is hot on the runway in Phoenix, and I don't do well in the heat. It's a quick trip with a two hour time difference, and it's a weekend with scheduled events. But this also feels like a tide change, that despite how sick I have been the past few weeks I was startled that my mind would even allow this plan to form, so that has to count for something. This past few weeks have perhaps been some of my lowest, yesterday for no reason at all I used the counter for support and just cried wondering how the hell can I keep doing this, but for so long I didn't even have the energy to imagine that I was doing anything, apathy is scarier than fear. Apathy is when you are too tired to form a plan, too tired to care, too sick to do anything but move your pinky finger as you lie perfectly still.
So today there is that little glimmer and even if it is gone as quick as the clock strikes midnight, it was here. Maybe I have moved the pendulum just enough to begin living within this illness rather than the illness being all I live.
|Mary and Willi's "Garten"|