Saturday, June 30, 2012

where are you Heather???

This was the theme of a made up song by my niece Addison, when my mom shot a phone video of her to send to me while they were up at our lake house.  The big blue eyed, crazy haired, almost 4 year old in her white suit with the pink lace trim and tiny black polk-a-dots singing "where are you heather..where are you heather..where are you heather" You can hear my mom in the background prompting..."is that all you want to say?" and Addison reply's "yep."  Well, despite a few leading questions about "driving" the boat and getting sand in her toes - really - isn't that all there is to say...where are you.

The last few weeks I have felt that constant pull of where am I?  It seems since the acute phase of this back pain has ended and the moderate chronic pain or ache has taken over, it carried along with it a lot of fatigue.  So, I have "tried" to get places.  Tried and missed.  First it was the 11:30am lunch for our good friend who was in from out of town - one shot deal - swing and a miss.  I tried for two and a half hours to slowly get ready...try and eat despite my many trips to the restroom...and finally while on my way at 1:30pm and still feeling sick enough that I realized driving 20 minutes was not safe - I pulled into my parents driveway and hung up the race.  Then there was the movie night..the impromptu meet up for drinks..the swim meet.  I tried, and feel like a constant failure.  Trying to get places to battle through the fatigue, light headedness, the upset stomach, the back pain, is like trying to get out of quick sand.  You feel like you are pawing at unsteady ground, and it all begins to collapse on top of you.

Then for me begins the slide into a bit of a depression - the what the "f" - really - this is it - this is what the whole damn thing is - a constant cycle of trying and trying and "succeeding" at the mundane.  Then there is the anger for the pity party - how dare you be upset - think of all the other awful things you could be dealt with - pull yourself up damn it - then the sadness - "I am trying my f'ing best - but to the world it doesn't look like trying at all"

Where the hell did I go...

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