Sometimes its all it takes - a little t.l.c to pull you back. A few kind words of encouragement, acknowledgement that maybe this isn't where your original dreams had you dreaming of, but in a quiet way, a steady way, you matter, and those other dreams - well they can wait - or maybe they weren't meant to be. Sometimes it takes your mom to hold the mirror of unconditional love and hope in front of you and force you to look at yourself in the way you look at others - with compassion.
My mom reminded me today that it was unlikely that anyone else put out a zip lock back with ice containing a coke and bottle of water with a note for the garbage man on this 90 plus humid day to stay hydrated. She reminded me of the patience I have to listen to others and what problems they may be dealing with intently and offer suggestions or guidance. She reminded me that I can get excited over finding the perfect Barbara Barry duvet and pillow shams at TJ Maxx with its original $450 price tag attached! She reminded me that despite this not being the life I imagined at 40, nor the accomplishments I thought I would have made, its in the little everyday things - the times that I push myself with an unflinching smile to take my friends to the Raquet Club pool, or at least make 5 minutes of the swim meet despite the heat giving me an instant pounding headache, attending the dance recital with a back that burned but with gratitude that I could be there, as I had read once in Sue Jackson's post - it still is my life - and the days when the darkness seems to be all around me, I am blessed for the tomorrow where the light begins to shine through.
I have had moments of time that I have been healthy, but for the vast majority of my life I have struggled with a physical constitution that isn't the strongest and fought against mental anxieties and fears. But I have been gifted with complete absence of these traits also, and it is because of those absences that I ache for those moments in time and wish I could be transported back to them. However, I also know I have never taken them for granted. I also have been blessed woven into this DNA of difficulty to have a keen sense of my surroundings, and those that are in it - its difficult for me to miss a veiled smile, a phony happiness, grandeur disguised as intimidation.
Its been tough because my expectations of this summer, and getting back from my treatments in Phoenix were really high, and having my normally steady back give out on me too once again forced me to re-evaluate, take a step backwards, and I also think the carefree attitude that summer brings with it so collide with my current situation I often feel like I am being mocked by aloofness that I currently can not participate in...but there is tomorrow.
So for those of you who have been reading, I thank you again, for this forum to strip down and purge the feelings that I suppress to better get through the day - having a space outside of myself to catalogue this journey has been immensely helpful, and gives me hope that I will look back and think - remember when...so in your dark days, hold that mirror up and force yourself to see yourself as those whom love you see you - and if you can't see clearly, count your blessings that someone else can.