|November 3, 2016
Highest of highs bring lowest of lows
Just when you think you have turned a corner...
My parents left Phoenix on Monday. Monday I had my first new attempt which was an hour and a half IV. Had the half hour drive home and collapsed. Four hours later the insane cramping, weakness and drunk like feeling began. It is Friday, I have cried more times in the last 4 days than the last 6 months. I have reached out -knowing I'm upsetting those that I love with my absolute desperation that there seems no answers for. My precious dog is beginning to show her age so I need to carry her up the steps. The sun is shining in Phoenix and yet all I feel is the storm approaching and I have no cellar to crawl into.
I don't know what to do anymore. I did try a new doctor who thought throwing a bunch of pre-cursors to hormones due to my low functioning adrenals would help…think we know the answer to that experiment. I have discussed trying the anti viral and heavy hitting anti inflammatory drugs; but my history handling these meds hasn't been great. Trying new things with a body that isn't acting by the rules is absolutely terrifying. I see others that have gone to "the best" CFS doctors in the world and they are completely bedridden.
November 3rd I had 3 good hours. Really fantastic, joyful hours. People can't understand how that is possibly good enough…and that is because they have no idea the storm that could be on the other side.
Thanks to my friends and family that have answered my 3am phone call with calm words and no judgement. I'm so tired. Most days I don't have time to miss my old life; managing this new one is so complicated and exhausting. But lately, mourning is all I seem to be doing. I really liked my old self - and me and this new body aren't getting along very well…we have moved from mediation to full on nasty divorce. I just am scared about who will win.