Sunday, October 19, 2014

Life Before and Life After



I am getting boxes ready for my car to ship to Phoenix and went to the basement and found this plethora of photos.  In the box was also a few journal pages from the time I spent 6 weeks in Nice, France on an exchange program.  Here are a few excerpts from that journal.  Our plane from Nice to Paris had major technical issues a story much more deserving of a clear head not my current CFS brain fog…Heather Kaufmann is in the dear friend I met, which was funny because I was "old" 27 on the trip, she was 19.  I had found the exchange while taken pre-med prerequiisties at Mt. Mary college, it was through Hofstra University.  So I didn't know anyone - everyone else was in college French at Hofstra…I met them all in NYC…But my long winded point was I have said many times I never took my pre CFS life for granted - and it was gratifying to see it in print.  I have so many emotions looking at these old photos, earlier in the day prior to finding them was filled with grief.  And oddly after finding this landline of days past was just gratitude and almost proof of a life well lived before this illness. Only those with this illness will understand what it feels like to be constantly questioned of your severity, your trying hard enough, the doubt…

Be Happy with your eyes open
Love with a pure heart
Cry with all your tears
Be angry for a reason
Never Deny an Emotion
But control it rather than it control you
Remember Yesterday, but don't re-live it
Live today -
13 Janvier 1998

"I adore Heather, so excited about the people I have met on this trip.  Heather said to me on the bus, you have a terrific life, and I said thank you I really do.  She said how nice it was to hear someone say that they realized how great they had it…" 12 Janvier 1998

Approximately 10 days later…Taken waiting for flight from Nice to Paris…Back story, Heather had lost her mother, in those uncertain moments I was able to be calm and at peace.  I guess all these years later it has a been a nice karmic gift all those who helped me when I had trouble flying.

"Tonight I held the hand of my life, It was someone I met 3 weeks ago.
But as I held her hand I held my life."
From my Journal
ps. I have lost touch with Heather, tried FB searches…so anyone out there that may see this please contact me…would love to re-connect.

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