missing...

Anyone that can find my personality and optimism please contact...both are currently in hiding and doing a pretty good job of staying out of sight.  When you are sick it seems you are often rewarded for "being positive" but yet somedays you just don't feel like putting on the charade anymore.  I am tired.  I am sick and I am tired.  I miss my old life, I miss the ease of things, I miss not living in two places trying and trying to get better.  This will pass, always does, and I'm not trying for a pity party...just honesty.  I just sometimes get so close to the light at the end of this and then something just knocks you to your knees.  As always I am mindful of all that is good and true and brings me joy...but somedays you look back and see how long you have been fighting just to get to normal and it all feels a bit for not.  For some reason it's the food that has really gotten me down.  Perhaps because this flu has left me with such little appetite and I would just love some chicken noodle soup with potatoes and celery and carrots.  Or some applesauce or a grocery list of normalcy.  I guess that is what I am missing most, normalcy.

Like any grieving process somedays you are on top of it an others the losses just seem to pile as high as a crash on the freeway.  I've had too much time on my hands with not feeling well enough to really even watch tv so the days have ticked by second by second just waiting for something to give.  Then I feel guilty for not being stronger or happier or more grateful...it all just seems too much sometimes.  And I look around me and thought I never thought it would take this long or get this bad.  I like to take a problem and find a solution and days like the past week I am out.  I am riding on hope and faith of others and realizing you don't always have to be the "up beat" patient...no one gave me a medal when I was anyways so for now I'm just going to keep waiting.