Monday, November 26, 2012

Safety and Security

There is a little truth in all of this...hoping just a little...

My mom had a brilliant idea when my sister was younger to "rotate" security blankets.  After being embarrassed by the rag that I carried around as a young child she thought that by having three that my sister bonded with she would always be carrying a crisp clean blanket.  The plan back-fired.  Instead my sister carried around three dirty dingy security blankets.  One of my friends from grade school - she was so attached to hers that I remember the Christmas card that if you look closely enough you can see behind the green velvet dress the one arm slightly behind her back and the ragged blanket just slightly in view.

I'm heading out to Phoenix again today, and yesterday I had a rough day.  I went completely out of my comfort zone and went to someone's home for dinner.  They were so generous in spirit, and didn't make a fuss when I decided it best to not eat at all and just enjoy the company.  I was forced to bring my security with me - it was rough going but I had a hand to hold and encouragement and love.

I stopped over to my sister's this morning and saw my neice's room.  She told my mom she is trying to stay in her bed all night long so she has every stuffed animal she can think of in her bed.  When my mom asked if it worked, she shrugged - no not really - well at least she is trying.

This time the tables have turned - because I am leaving someone that with my absence feels a little less safe.  And it's hard.  This is a first for me, realizing that my leaving affects someone that I love.  It's been hard to watch someone this morning try and be stoic and cheer me on and encourage me that this is what needs to be done, but it does not go without sacrifice.  I know that feeling that is how I use to feel leaving and instead leaving now is the window to my future.  I have a hard time being around others when they are upset.  I have to force myself to shield myself from their symptoms and not physically take them on myself, since that helps no one.  So we take it one moment at a time and I know he will do well, it is always being the one that is leaving and not left behind.  And we know this is the only way - this fight for my life back it has many casualties along the way.  It's just I wish I could give him some extra security while I am gone...seems as if my niece has a few guys to spare...but then again it didn't really work, but all we can do is try our best at any given moment in time.

Security and safety must be found on their own inside of oneself with a team around you to support your efforts.  It has taken me a long time to find my team and it has made all the difference.  Now it's time for me to help someone else find theirs.

When I use to have trouble flying, before take off I would imagine Georgia O'Keefe and her love of painting the view from an, art, love, this where I try and find calmness when it's nowhere to be found.

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