its 2am....again...

It's been a long day...and therefore a lot of lying around - and then I crashed from 5pm - 7pm - so here I am...it's 2am and I can't sleep - mostly because of how thirsty I am - so apparently I have been dehydrated - and tonight my body decided to catch up.  Its been a cocktail of juice/salt/h2o - then large water and back to the juice.  It would be fine if it wasn't keeping me up - but oh well - perhaps the tide is changing and tomorrow - which is today - is the beginning of a better swing.

I did all my tricks when i can't sleep - however obviously none have worked since i am here typing and thought perhaps i could feel somewhat productive today - even again if its technically tomorrow.  But as i was lying in bed my mind kept drifting to what would i be doing if...its not a good game to play no matter where you are in life - since it doesn't matter because you are right where you are - i have never been much of a planner - more kind of just drifted into different paths.  But I did have a plan when I left for phoenix - prior to going to ND school - i was a massage therapist - knowing i wanted to do something in the health field but not exactly what - then it was the perfect career to have while I went back to school for my pre-med pre-requisites.  Prior to that I had graduated from undergrad with a major in Psych and a minor in Africology - don't blame me on the lame name - no one could agree on African American Studies - but technically it included studies of  Africa too - anyway - i had some of the best professors ever in that department - no matter what they were teaching...after graduation I joined Public Allies - an organization i had volunteered with while in school.  It's a service based program that Americorps was based on , and our valiant leader Paul Schmitz is now quite the fancy pants in the non-profit world - rubbing elbows and ideas with the First Lady and the current administration.

I was an economic development coordinator in Midtown - and long story short...because remember its 2am and I would like to get myself to sleep -and this is helping....it was there I became a bit obsessed with the difference in the health of the wealthy and underserved.  Asthma was rampant - just every day colds would take weeks to get over - etc. etc.. so that's when I started looking into medicine more seriously.

So, my plan when I left for Phoenix was to come back after I got my ND degree and set up a Naturopathic Clinic within one of the existing free clinics in the area.  Then, since Wisconsin isn't a licensed ND state - thought I would more train the MD's in more preventive and complementary treatments that were cost effective - once it was up and running I had planned to go to Marquette's Law School - I had already years earlier taken the LSTAT and for not realizing how hard you are suppose to prepare for such tests - didn't do half bad.  That's what i was "night" dreaming about as I call it - during the day I am just trying to get through - I am trying to muddle through this illness and its cornstalk maze of roadblocks and just trying to do the best I can...but at night - I night dream while awake thinking of the what if I wasn't sick - ohh the places i would go.....

It only lasts a bit - and then I remind myself that I am lucky I even had those dreams as a possibility - and its not too late- I just need to figure out how to adjust the sail - or delegate - or perhaps this illness has forced me into the corner to write - which is something I always loved to do - but seemed to busy doing other things besides journaling...

Here's hoping I head back to bed and wake up a bit stronger than yesterday - that's all I'm asking for just give me an inch - and I will take the mile.