Monday, May 14, 2012

Harder You Fall

My insides are a wreck, i am nauseous and starving, my head is pounding.  I feel constantly on the verge of tears or yelling at anyone - including my self, I'm just so frustrated. I'm so tired.  I can't think straight - its like that children's book that keeps repeating, "it was a terrible awful no good day"...or something like that - my brain and emotions are all jumbled in the joy of feeling so good and falling so hard - the irritation of being stuck inside with not enough energy to even try and push through.  I feel fragile in body and mind and selfish that I just want to feel good for my birthday - it seems as silly as a child not getting the present they want - but the thing is I just want my health back - I want the time that has been lost - no matter what - no one can give you back time. I want the fear of this being my permanent reality or perhaps something worse to take hold to leave me.   And I want to be above it all - zen enough - strong enough - grateful enough for what I do have - but right now I feel as alone as the duck I saw in the middle of the road...
Lonely Man

In the middle of the road -looking off in the distance - with no where to go.  I stared at that duck for about twenty minutes as it just stood there, cars swerving, while it slowly would take one step closer to the grass.  I worried that he was looking in vain for the female companion that I have not seen since the storm.  This lonely duck was staring at the exact spot I last saw the female the day of the heavy rain.  While this duck and his buddy stood in the pouring rain on the street- they were watching the female in the yard and gully across from them.  Where was she?  Did she find shelter from the storm?  Why didn't those lazy ass ducks move their tail feathers and go be by her side that day?

Last night we went for a short walk - all I could manage - and I commented how our two male ducks had found a third musketeer - again the Lady that I have seen for three years still missing.  Are their missing posters for ducks?  Do they flee their partners - file for separation - have an adulterous affair?All I know is that I am helpless to help...oh how I hope the Lady had a mid-life crisis and found another pond.

Three Musketeers

So I just kept gazing at the duck, putting my own perceptions on its reality.  Nature always gets me - I can't watch Frozen Planet - please March of the Penguins nearly sent me to therapy!  I guess I feel a bit like those animals when they are fighting against the elements.  If the strongest survive, and its braun not brains - I would be in trouble.  I am terrified of tornados, the devastation obviously - but my true fear lies in the aftermath.  I am not strong enough on a daily basis - what would I do under such situations of distress?  How would I manage if I was issued rations for food? Food that I couldn't eat b/c of my allergies?  No PB and J with an apple or banana for me....I know its a wild stretch of the anxious mind - but this illness makes me feel so vulnerable to my surroundings - has made preparation a necessity...that when I am knocked down again - these musings are what overtake me.  Again, it was a terrible awful no good day...

My mind was so busy while my body refused to cooperate.  I had enough energy to eat, throw in a load of laundry, make the bed....but then a shower...always the "tell" - isn't that what they call it in poker when someone gives away their hand by their habits...the shower is my "tell" in CFS - the last three weeks I haven't even given a shower a second thought - but yesterday I began getting a little shaky, my arms ached as I shampooed, the warmth began to irritate and then today I kept thinking - I'll be up for a shower in the next hour then the next - well its 11pm and I am bypassing the situation. 

So, I got all involved in a court tv then CNN live feed of FL vs Kaufman.  Just for those of you who don't know me....I'm going with Kaufman.

The higher you go the further you fall....I must appreciate the fall - a year ago I was already on the ground.

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