Monday, April 30, 2012


As someone whom for the past six years has felt like every day I am hanging by a thread to survive - I can not understand those that choose to go on a show like Survivor.  There is an element of the show, which to be fair, I have only seen the first five minutes of one show, that I find extremely offensive.  I know, I get it - its entertainment value, its pushing oneself past any limits they thought they had, I am not immune to that understanding, however when in the real world there are so many people truly trying to survive - there is that part of me that gets that "ick" factor - not being humble that "surviving" for entertainment value thumbs its nose to those that literally have no water.  But again, I always recognize my world view as being skewed because of this struggle I have been dealing with - and it is difficult to separate those feelings everyday with a show that people choose to but their health at risk - and as someone who again knows that often that health is not guaranteed I have a concern for those individuals that perhaps will push their bodies past the point of no return.

I personally love the show Amazing Race, much of that comes from my envy of those that can dive into life so fully and handle the grueling experience that comes with that journey.  But it also highlights the struggles of the world and how others around the world embrace what we as American's can not comprehend.  It also seems to bring out the best in many people as their hearts are forever changed by witnessing so much of the world - that they may have read about, or seen on tv, but now they have had the unique opportunity to add to the fabric of that world experience.

The point I am trying to get to is today - despite the dental aversion - I felt really good.  And more importantly, for a large chunk of time I didn't feel like I was merely surviving.  The past few weeks I haven't discussed in depth the virtual "starving" experience that I have had to deal with - without getting into too great of detail regarding the specific reasons, but I have had a great difficulty eating and feeling that I get any nutrients from what I do consume.  Besides my choices being severely limited due to the food allergies, think of it as if your intestines are lined with a barrier that prevent your body to take in such nutrients.  So I often have this overwhelming feeling of starvation, but when I try to eat get extremely nauseous.  Therefore, I eat very small quantities throughout the day - and eating becomes a huge struggle to find what may help to make me feel satiated.  For those of you that have been pregnant, perhaps you can on some level relate to this aversion and craving of food.  This of course compounds my fatigue.  The last few days it hit a peak - I would hold off eating as long as possible because all food was so offensive and then slowly (that's not unusual, since I could win a slow eating contest!) muster the energy to eat and hope it would not make me repulsed.  The past few days it has been physically and mentally overwhelming.

Then there was this evening....and all of a sudden, the smell of food wasn't making me sick and I actually had a true appetite.  So for dinner I ate like someone who was just released from Survivor Island...and I had the following - buffalo mozzarella, tomatoes, with herb salad and dressing, lots of asparagus, gorgeous salmon and crackers with a havarti cheese spread, and I ate with such vigor and appreciation I find it hard to express with words.  Food, it had a taste, a texture and for the first time in weeks I actually felt a bit full in a good way after eating.  I have stopped wondering what it may be like tomorrow - but this evening was a bit of heaven!

When my mom, grandma and I were in France, the last night before we were headed home my grandma didn't feel that well.  My mom and I were headed out to dinner, and at the last moment my Grandma decided she would buck it up and come. Remember, this was a long trip for her, and she was dealing with bone cancer, and pink eye from Lourdes!  She didn't each much dinner, but then for dessert we ordered a chocolate lava cake, and as my grandma finished - she looked up with the biggest smile and said - " I would have died if I missed this! " which of course was ironic because she was dying - but lucky for all of us she was the miracle cancer patient that lived twelve more years!  But I can appreciate how she felt about that cake, food has become such a chore and so many wonderful options have been taken away from me, that on a night like tonight when I was able to eat, enjoy and be symptom free from any food sensitivities, its something I never take for granted -

Here's hoping this trend continues...

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