It happens, just as I feel I really cannot mentally gear up for another day with this illness, just when I want to scream give me a few days of normal - please - just when all that is crashing down - I get hope. This week - despite having my period - which really knocks us CFS'ers down - I was strong enough for two blood treatments, one on Tuesday and one Today. It took me completely by surprise - and my normally very prepared self - plenty of fluids, a dense protein meal - mentally gearing up - I did none of that - and I was able to handle them. Tuesday was a breeze - twenty minutes - bing bang boom - Today, oddly I was not hungry for lunch - so I went to the doctor with a sandwich in hand - but hadn't eaten since breakfast - and for the first time in a long time when she said - you can handle it - I didn't self doubt. So despite not having any of my normal precautions in hand, and despite by blood being thick and black (most likely due to bacterial and viral die off) so what took 20 minutes Tuesday took over an hour today - but I wasn't light headed - I didn't need to drink sugary beverages, and I felt a sense of calm I haven't in a long time. Progress. There was no doubt I am stronger.
Part of it was I don't care anymore, poke me - prod me - ozone me - IV me - hydro me - color puncture me - I don't give a damn what you do to me - just make me better. This optimism may fade, and that's why I intend to have it in writing - but today - one hour ago - I didn't have to force hope - i believed - I will get better. I will get better. I will get better - and maybe in part because I have just had enough.
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