Searching...

There's no place like home. 

There's no place like home. 

There's no place like home.

The past week I have struggled at my home with the feeling of being Home.  The disorder and missing pieces in my Wisconsin home are at times very off putting.  I would often like to click my heals together three times and be transported to a safe haven.  I know Home is much more than the walls that surround me and while I have lost a bit of balance in some ways, I have gained it in others.  Before I left for Phoenix and was in the tumultuous waves of my ending relationship two of my best friends each gave me some advice that I took to heart.

My Freshman Year of College - University of CO - Boulder

Immediately after our break-up I stayed at my good friend's house and I was struggling with being physically ill, emotionally spent and being in someone else's home.  My fabulous nurse Betty brought me everything I needed, but most of all advice.   She said, "remember when you first went away to college and you thought how am I going to do this...and everything was different, well that's where you are right now and it's just going to takes awhile to feel safe again."

Nice, France

My other friend spoke her her advice a bit more forcefully or perhaps it was more like an order..."it's time you find home within yourself again, whether you are sick or not."  And she was right, I couldn't remember the last time I felt at ease within myself no matter where I was, when I get ill I just want to get "home."  I want to travel again and find those far away places that when you arrive you swear you have been there before.  Those spots that the second you land you get a chill of familiarity.  The American actress Olivia de Havilland echoed my feeling when speaking of Paris, "you feel it belongs to you, that's what is so magical, that it's yours..."  That was exactly how I felt every time I landed in France, especially Nice.  The second I breathed in that salt air an instant calmness washed over me, it belonged to me.  I crave to live that type of adventurous life again, bringing home with me wherever I go and stumbling upon places that resonate a sense of belonging.

Searching for a safe haven, our home, is a universal quest.  There are times when you feel at home anywhere in the world and times when you are in your own home and couldn't feel more lost.  There may be no road map to guide you but when you find it you know and when you do grab ahold of it tightly and never ever let it go.  There truly is no place like home, sometimes its just takes getting off your current path to find it.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not take them both...
Two roads diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference
Robert Frost

Free Willy

I took a mental hiatus from writing last week, not by choice but out of necessity to my sanity.  Normally writing is my sanity, however returning from Phoenix after treatments can feel like being re-introduced into the wild. It takes a bit to get my sea legs back after living a life of intense structure and focus to home with all the moving parts a normal life entails.  

And Home isn't what it was before I left.  I came back to half of a house; symbolic of the eleven year relationship that had ended the week and a half before I left for Phoenix.

Missing Pieces

As I explained to the son of my ex sometimes it's really hard to walk away when two people love each other but are not right for each other.  When you begin to realize that without reason or understanding you have begun to cause more harm than good in the name of staying together.  I can only speak for myself, but what I know is I learned a lot about myself and what I need and that I am stronger than I thought I was.  I do not regret the eleven years, on the contrary I feel blessed for where they brought me and I hope in time he can feel the same.  Dis-ease - its an interesting word,  I was uneasy for a long time and I didn't want to look in the mirror and admit to myself that my relationship was bringing more dis-ease to both of us than happiness.

Disorder

This illness brings you a big picture view of life that I realize can be hard for others to jump on board with at times.  It shows you even if you are not listening  what brings you strength and what weighs you down.  I have learned that my body has very little capacity or tolerance for holding on to ill will.   My anger or disappointment of what went wrong is not buried deep nor being ignored.  Only the two of us know the intricacies that brought us apart, but I prefer to look at it as we completed our journey and can leave with no regrets.  I wish for him the same as myself a joyful life that I can bear witness to from near or far and that our time together was time well spent.

Will be packing again soon...not even worth a trip to the basement

As "they" say with every ending is a new beginning...the first of which is my new niece, Taylor Rose born just on time before her aunt headed to the airport on November 2nd.  Mom and baby are doing well and her siblings are adjusting to the new addition.  There are many changes on the horizon, but one thing is my constant...the bedroom may look different, my favorite comforter may be gone, but my dear baby is still right by my side.

Heading home..

Today is my last appointment after four weeks of treatments.  If you would have asked me a year ago if I could have stayed in Phoenix by myself while dealing with this I would have looked at you like you lost your mind...but I did it.  I had immense help from my family, providing me with a gorgeous condo here, my friends taking me to appointments, making me breakfast - lunch and sometimes dinner, my friends at home supporting me via text or calls, Kristine who is the most efficient and kind "helper" you could ask for - and of course my doctor.

I woke up this morning and for once didn't have immense anxiety about flying and this will be the first time in four years that I have traveled alone.  I feel stronger and happier than I can remember, and I am only anxious about what will come when I return to the cold climate.  One day at a time my friend, one day at a time.

That above is courtesy of Kristine's immense organizational skills....

www.sandrapriebe.com

When I woke up this morning I checked Facebook to see my friend Sandy's amazing sunrise photos that she has been doing for almost a year....this was sunrise over Lake Michigan this morning, not a bad place to go home to.  

Stillness

There is a stillness in the desert that I have never been comfortable with until now.  One of the first things I noticed when I moved here from Wisconsin was the lack of wind.  I remember the first time Sophie and I had moved back and a burst of wind hit her and she looked at me as if to say,  "what the heck was that..."  This lack of movement of air has always made me uneasy.  The desert landscape itself I could not see the beauty; the landscape and I had nothing in common.  It was still and I was not.

I want to be clear to those that are reading that living with Chronic Fatigue in it's chronic state does not have this peaceful stillness that corresponds with that easy going name - it is a body in chaos with no plan of action to follow.  However, the treatments I am getting are very different from mainstream medicine and they move this illness from the chronic to an acute state.  The end goal being your body wakes up and begins to act alive again.  This trip, in between the low grade fever, chills, exhaustion and detoxing reactions I have found this sense of calm that I have not experienced in a very very long time, if ever.

I have practiced meditation and yoga on and off throughout my life and it has served me as well as it could.  It is always immensely frustrating to hear people tell you to mind over matter this illness, they haven't a clue, and those of us that do just give that knowing smile.  This intense treatment protocol I am on flips this illness upside down and begins to shift one's body towards a different path.  This new "path is not paved, but is made of cobblestone some of it thousands of years old and its destination is still traveled on"tks with hopes of new beginnings.

This stillness is as unconscious as the chaos.  I feel it deep in my bones,  it's a stillness my body would not give me no matter how hard my mind would try.  I don't know how long this will last and I can only hope that my cells and immune system have gotten the memo that its time to step up to the plate and carry this home.  But for now, all I do is appreciate the quiet when it comes; because if it is coming once there is no reason it won't come again and stick around for awhile.

Hope is a waking dream...Aristotle

Our bodies are a complete mystery on many levels and sometimes the slightest push can have this amazing cascade of events to your advantage or disadvantage.  I can only hope that the door has opened for me and it's my turn to get to the other side of this journey stronger and more compassionate then when it began.  I see hope, I feel hope and if tomorrow comes and knocks me to the ground I will get back up again...isn't that what we all do...we just keep getting up again and again.

Wonder Woman

Some weeks you just need to channel your inner wonder woman.  When I was younger I had my ritual of getting transformed from a mild mannered six year old to the fabulous Wonder Woman.  I would put on my mom's opaque beige nylons that reached up to my armpits, my light blue swimsuit that had yellow and pink horizontal stripes - which actually looked nothing like her costume - and of course the tin foil bracelets.

I have known many Wonder Women throughout my life and am thankful for them all.  Sometimes all it takes is a few extra bracelets and you are on your way.

Adult version of Tin Foil

Even Linda Carter hasn't given up on the power held in one's wrist....

Here's to the final push - Week 4 before heading home for a break....and a new niece or nephew... I hope you wait until I get there; however my sister swimming in pre-birth hormonal hell hopes you would have arrived yesterday so either way is fine by me.

Against the Ropes

My intention was to keep everyone posted daily on how treatments have been going.  However, right now I am eating some raisins...my new odd obsession - and have one thought in mind - that I can get downstairs and make myself some breakfast without calling for help...so that will sum it up the last week I have surrendered to using every available resource I have here in Phoenix - and the loving encouraging words I have been sent from back home.  My back has been against the ropes so many times this week that its hard to imagine how I am going to push ahead....but then there is this amazing voice that whispers in my ear that you are an athlete in training - pushing beyond your limits and you will come out of this better than you went in....that voice forcing me to hear that I am so strong - that they are so proud - and anyone that thought that I don't "exercise" well - what I am doing makes training for a marathon look like a walk in the park...and I could not do this without that voice....and so there it is - there is much more to the story than a girl who got sick and is fighting her way back...much more..but for now she is eating raisins and gathering the energy to get downstairs and make some breakfast so she can get back in the ring.

As if the referee just sounded the bell...I get a text from my dear friend asking if i need her to come over and make me breakfast...surrendering to love...yes the answer is yes.  There is a stillness in being on this side of this illness - and in the quiet everything that doesn't matter just slowly slips away and everything that does well it becomes loud and clear.

Needed this at the doctor on Wednesday...

Flowers for the Gratitude and Gratefulness I have for my Doctor

Sucking down Raisins and Juice getting ready for Treatment

My Good Luck Elephant

My Disneyland...Made it last night first time in 3 weeks

Balcony View - our Palm that is growing on me despite breaking the foundation in the porch 

7 second delay

so this morning i am trying to cope and see that light at the end of the tunnel - i actually had enough energy that the sound of the tv wasn't irritating and on Good Morning America Tom Hanks - sweet Tom Hanks forgot where he was and let out a few things that should have been bleeped....so if Tom Hanks can use the occasional swear word i felt in better company after my four letter that starts with the letter F rant from 4am - well - i must have been channeling George since my mom use to say if they took the F word out of the English language your grandfather would be mute.  Well then - I'm in good company....or perhaps i need a seven second delay...