Monday, February 6, 2012

Between a 3 and a 7

Today, i have been no where close to functioning between a 3 and a 7 on the emotional scale, and after watching the kristen bell video below you will understand what i mean.  trying to get to my doctor appointment by 10am today, was so overwhelming i spent most of the time, fighting off tears while trying to get up, eat, feed sophie, get dressed - it all seemed like just too much.  And much like I can't understand how one comes to love a sloth to the point of tears, most people will not be able to understand just a normal morning bringing one to tears, so i will try to explain...

what it actually feels like to have chronic fatigue - its tough to explain, just like it must be to let your husband in on your breakdown at the thought of a sloth - so this is what i came up with - its kind of like the movie ground hog's day, where every morning when you wake up with moderately the same symptoms over and over, you begin to wonder if it all isn't just a dream.

In this dream, you took an insane exercise class - that you have never done before, then despite feeling awful (let's pretend you are in your early 20's) you figure, won't hurt to go out.  So you go out for the night and eat too much and drink too much.  Then your friend says, you can't drive home so you have to sleep on their old crappy futon and your so restless from being out and not in your own bed, they give you an ambien to help you sleep.  And as you are in your deepest REM sleep, muscles sore from your work out, stomach kind of queasy from too much of everything, head foggy from an ambien, just at that moment you are startled awake.

Sidebar - I have a true funny story about this, my cousin was doing a lot of cross country NYC to LA traveling for work, on this particular flight he was leaving LA on the red eye and would be in NYC in the morning where he would need to be bright and sharp for another day of work.  So as he said, he only takes an Ambien after his flight has left the terminal and gets air bound - so after they were cleared for take off he takes the medicine, and what feels like a minute later is startled awake by a flight attendant, explaining they have landed due to mechanical problems, and he needs to de-plane.  The catch - he's now in Las Vegas.  As he amusingly explained he is in the deepest of Ambien fogs and walks off the plane to the lights and sounds of the slot machine filled Vegas airport!  This is what i am talking about...sidebar concluded...

So, your day is beginning with this uneasy aching head foggy feeling, and despite being asked the simplest of questions like what would you like for breakfast, or can you take the dog out, you feel like you are being drilled by a Marine sergeant all the while being asked to solve complicated math problems.  Everything around you feels hyper-stimulized - and you begin to question, did i go out last night and drink and dance and eat too much all after taking a crazy spin class, and sadly the answer is no.

And days like today when you notice the weight of a fork, you wish it was groundhogs day and this was a big crazy dream.  This is what the worst of it feels like, and getting to my doctor appointment by 10am was an act of mercy, and i told her i sure hope i am having a difficult time seeing the forrest through the trees and despite knowing this treatment is the ultra marathon not a sprint - or quick fix therapy  i am feeling a bit deflated - thus the emotional roller coaster of despair (less than 3) and full blown optimism (more than 7) and I remind myself...i have a chronic medical condition, and these treatments turn the table on it and make it an acute illness so that my immune system wakes up and takes action - I can understand it rationally - and medically - emotionally some days its hard to take.

So, while i was going to write about my fabulous birthday parties my mom came up with when i was little, as that was what came into my mind as i was getting my hydrotherapy treatment - this is what spewed out - kind of like a good cry - when there are too many emotions, to get a coherent thought out - this is my good write - 

and on that note i will put the link to my favortite viral video, you can't help but laugh with her and understand that conversion of emotions that leave you speechless, and a good cry is all that you can manage - thank you kristen bell for sharing -

Everyone has had their sloth moment...enjoy! hope it makes you smile too!

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