Saturday, May 26, 2012

just want to cry

I just read Sue Jackson's post from a few days ago before deciding to write anything...the thought of writing seemed so overwhelming and reading someone else who "gets it" was helpful, but I also felt sad for her that she is crashing after doing so much better.  All day today I just kept waiting and waiting and i am still waiting for it to pass.  I kept thinking how do you describe this feeling to the outside, I feel as if someone came and took like a vampire sucked all the energy slowly from my veins, leaving me looking the same but not having an ounce of energy to do anything.  Its as if you were asked to walk around all day on ice skates while carrying a heavy backpack - the mental fatigue of trying to balance walking on thin metal blades without the benefit of smooth ice for the blades to grab ahold of and allow you to glide from left to right.

I have a lot i want to do today...but it will all have to wait again for tomorrow.  I am being reminded of how much more I am doing..once again, but when your arms feel like lead and picking up a glass of water feels like you are lifting a bowling bowl - its so hard to once again believe this is happening...i feel numb to it right now...despite my personal pep talks - today they are not working.

I lost my grandfather on Wednesday afternoon, and I really would like to be more actively helping my mom with all the odds and ends that go into a funeral - but I just don't have it in me.  There is no reserve bank to make a withdrawal - so I will just wait.

Its amazing to me that every time this happens, a really bad fatigue spell, I get worried something is really wrong...the what if detectives begin their work scanning from head to toe...I laugh despite myself - this is nothing new..but each time when it gets this bad it holds my brain a hostage of disbelief.

My left arm still is sore from tennis....almost three weeks ago..and I can still feel it when I lift my arm up..hmm.I am to tired to smile, to be angry, to be sad, to tired...

I got a beautiful ring from my parents for my dream ring...i stare at it all the time feeling like someone is going to come knocking at the door asking me to return it...I also stare at it because its hard to take in something so beautiful..i'm not exaggerating - this perfect canary diamond was formed in the earth - and 100 years from now if my niece's daughter is wearing it - it will look as beautiful then as it did the day i got it - that is what i love about jewelry - its tenacious and effortless beauty that time can not erase.  I love wearing something that someone I loved wore day after day...a witness to their life and wearing it I have carry a piece of their story with when i look at this ring on my right finger like a crazy person i send it messages - can a bit of your magic - the perfect circumstances for you to be formed - can a bit of that serendipity give me strength - give me hope that the story that will be passed down with this gorgeous piece of art be that it was a tough long road - but she never gave up hope - and whomever wears it in the future carry with them some of that strength - the same way i feel when i put on my grandfather's cuffing, or my grandmother's wedding band...

My grandfather passed from old age.  It really is a rarity to not succumb to an illness, rather succumb to time.  It takes a brave soul to hang on to this life when you have far outlived your body - many people spend a lifetime trying to learn to live in the moment - my grandfather never had that dilemma - it was the only way he knew how.

Well -that my friends is called stream of consciousness - thanks for trying to follow along...

Sue Jackson's Moving Through Molassas

Disqus for Festzeit