Wednesday, March 17, 2021

One year

March 16 2020 
Calm before the storm 

March 17 2020

I remember March 17, 2020 like it was yesterday and a lifetime ago. I remember my mom arriving from Milwaukee as the world was starting to turn upside down and one of my main help quit with no notice. I remember coming down the stairs as she walked in wearing little black boots, dark blue jeans a black cashmere sweater with a little rhinestone green shamrock pin. I remember giving her a hug and feeling relief and guilt but most of all I remember the vicious sore throat.

She had just flown with less than twenty four hour notice across the country for an indeterminate amount of time and all I could do is give her a weak hug thank her and said I have to go back upstairs my throat is killing me and I don’t feel well. 

Today, one year later, my mom came in my room this morning with Daisy in tow and flowers that had arrived on the front porch. This time she was wearing blue jeans a white top and a white sweater with a shamrock scarf. It took me a few hours before I had the energy to tease that she was channeling Dr. Birx. My list for today not feasible after waking at 5am sick was a long list of blood work from a ME mainstream specialist. It’s been a year, lots has happened around me however I now have a demarcation line I had never had before in the course of the last jumbled fifteen years. A new before and after. 

March 17 2021

While others get frustrated about what will open when and when can life get back to normal and a sense of stability. I wonder above all things will I get back to the progress I had made before March 17, 2020. And it breaks my heart. 

I could taste freedom. I thought I may be able to reclaim some independence. It has been a cruel tease and I have to decide when to succumb and when to fight; and what does that fight even look like? 

There are many things that like most are apart of our DNA we didn’t try to be a certain way it’s just our walk, our laugh our smile we are born with these characteristics. Then there are the choices that we make that fill us in like a coloring book we get to decide if we stay in or out of the lines. What colors do we choose? I feel like someone stole all of my crayons the bright and vibrant colors. The silver and the gold. Didn’t even give me the primaries because then you could create more. I feel like all my crayons were stolen and I’ve been left with an old stubby pencil and lost trying to make a rainbow life. 

I really believed those crayons were one by one slowly being replaced. The winter and spring of 2020 I wasn’t daring to dream for the 120 count green and gold super box of Crayola’s. But the 24 count was becoming a reality and I thought I could make a pretty interesting life if you just bless me with twenty four. 

Note: This is my experience this last year when I went from finally making significant improvements in my health and what all signs point to developing COVID-19 or some acute illness and now continued non recovery. I want to acknowledge how the pandemic has touched every single person in different challenging and heartbreaking ways. Thank you to those tirelessly working to keep us functioning, safe and finding the light in the dark. Wishing all much peace and extra love during this time. Always. Heather 


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