I arrived in Phoenix last night and had my first blood treatment this afternoon. When I came back home I was overwhelmed. The reality of my life and this illness back in full view. My appetite was lost and behind my eyes a faint headache reminded me of the fact that getting well isn't always pretty. Then I looked out onto the balcony and soaked in this sunset and all it conveyed was hope and I thought to myself, if this is as good as I get, as healthy as I get, this will be enough because I tried. If these treatments offer no more improvement than what I have already gained, I will find away for it to be enough.
And I will know that to the depths of me I have tried my best. I have tried not only to find the most effective treatments but more importantly I have tried to be my best within the often collapsing walls around me. It has been like fighting for extra mortar when everywhere you look a new leak has sprung in the crevices of your foundation But you can not let yourself be submerged, you will not drown, you will not stop trying.
"We try. All of us. We Try." Richard Ford. Those are the last words from his book Canada, which I have not read, but seems like I should. The story doesn't really matter that much, the end tells you the beginning.