Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The D's

Doubt, Despair, Dependent - that's how i have felt the past 48 hours - I normally have a few bad hours, and then a little break, like the light shining through a bunch of storm clouds.  But the last 48 hours the word fatigue doesn't even describe it - I don't know what dying feels like, and perhaps there are many experiences of that inevitable fate, but as I was laying in bed - I kept thinking, I feel as if I am slowly dying - For the firs time since I got here I didn't think I would be able to get to my appointments - but the knowledge that I may feel better afterwards willed me into the car.  When I got to my appointment my doctor realized that I had a fever - and that was HUGE! I never get a fever, never ever ever - I don't sweat either - both signals of a dysfunctional immune system.  This means progress - I'll take progress -

Last night while I was getting my hydrotherapy treatment a song came on the radio - and I'm not even sure if it was Dolly Parton - but her wide smile came into my head - and I thought to myself - a world where Dolly Parton exists is a world filled with hope - if Dolly can pull herself out of a shack in the Blue Ridge Mountains - then there has to be a way that I can find a way out of this - despite this illness not obeying the rules - because often the harder you try the worse you get - but there has to be a way back to my old self - so I have another D to end the day - a bright face of hope - thanks Dolly!

And today - the fog has lifted - my back pain has lessened the fever is gone and the best news yet is in about 1 hour my family will be here - lucky.

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