A diary, a book, a blog, a journal....

When I was in third grade, Mrs. Kessler had these little reading books that looked ancient - and they contained little songs that helped you read to a tune.  My favorite went something like this... Blue shoes - blue shoes - red and pink and new shoes - which one will you choose - if you could buy?  I can't seem to remember the exact phrasing - but it went something like that, and every now and then that tune pops into my consciousness.  I feel a bit like that when I am writing this blog...which way will i choose.

When I set out to write this blog, it was a way for me to find a morsel of control when i had felt i had lost all control to the isolation and ever changing symptoms of this illness - it was a way to find a voice to yell and scream at It - to reflect on It - to ponder It - to track It - to learn from It - and as I have said before it took a very special person -  to show me the path and give me the courage to begin it - again, thank you jules (which i always called you Julie - but so many called you Jules and it just seems to fit better - hope you don't mind :)  you seem to help me even now that you are gone.

I had very few expectations - some have been met others have not.  I have found surprises along the way - in the community of bloggers that also feel quite helpless with the lack of understanding, treatment and path of this illness and those friends, family or strangers that have taken the time to read and hopefully it has given those a better understanding of "the new me" the person "living with this illness."  I have found courage, strength, knowledge and a sense of belonging - this i had not expected.  I have also found disappointments along the way.  However,  I choose not to be bothered by those - its the risk of a writer - like any artist - you must decide that you are going to charge forward - do the best you can at any moment and time and let the pieces fall where they may.

The greatest challenge I find about writing this blog is which way will I choose...deciding how I will write it.  Since I always write it directly on the blog template, not writing it on word and cut and pasting - its a spur of the moment thing.  Often things I want to write about come to me during the day - or nag at me at night - or someone will say something and it inspires me to share.  But just as often I decide - like today - that I have taken too long of a break from writing - and it keeps me sane so pick up the damn laptop and whatever pours out - just let it rain.

I try hard for this not to be a journal or diary - those immensely private thoughts that are kept under lock and key - and are vented often in frustration or bliss that could come back and hurt someone or in some case really just be of no interest to most.. like a dream log - they are never as interesting to others as they may seem to ourselves -

Its been a rough two to three weeks - moments have been good - but as a whole i often try to get through minute by minute.  At times I have felt broken - mentally, emotionally and physically.  Food seems to taste like poison and my body seems to react in that way - consequently I have lost about 6 lbs in this time frame (i guess here is where the "sick weight" has been a blessing).  I have had moments that have tested me and I have looked in the mirror and sometimes see a ghost of myself with a face staring back at me that i do not recognize.  I also have had moments of absolute clarity - and moments of pure joy - I have had a people that have disappointed me and almost broken me and those that have lifted me up when i was willing to accept their help.  I have forced myself to be comfortable around others when I don't feel well - where I normally retreat and want to be alone because I feel so stressed and anxious when my body gets so depleted - but I have dug deep and allowed myself to be who I am at this moment in time - and sometimes its not a pretty sight - and I have begun to try and stop hiding that part of me as if it was my fault.

A friend of mine when she was going through a really rough time use to do this meditation - or better said sequence of thoughts where she would imagine where she was and work outwards and then back....here it goes...in my bed...in my house...on my street...in elm grove...in wisconsin...in the united states..in north america..on the earth....past the earth into the sky...to the moon...to the stars..to the universe and then begin to look back from so far away where you are just a spec in something so large and come back home.  She would visualize herself like this first as big then as small part of something big and then back again - and that's a bit how i feel right now  - when everything around you seems to be coming at you too fast - I remind myself to Just Breathe, 1,2, 3 and leave myself and go beyond myself - feel free of myself and then slowly come back.

I try my best to blog - write something with an intent that focuses on a specific aspect of my life - and someday soon i hope to be strong enough to work on a book - I try and up the integrity of the writing to surpass the level of journaling or a diary - sometimes i succeed and other times i don't - but i noticed i have written close to 150 posts - and in the days that i feel i accomplish little - i can look at that number and feel proud - and reflect that for all this illness has taken from me - and often how i feel it has used and abused me - i can look at that number - 145 and think...right back at you neuro-endocrine-immune disorder - i have used you too and no matter what I will win.

accepting what i can....

i just read another post about someone that is practically bed bound...and i reminded myself to soak in absolutely everything i was able to do today.  i made breakfast and cleaned it up.  i through in laundry - okay its all clean but in a big clean pile...but its clean!  went to meet my mom and aunt for a few minutes while they finished shopping.  stood in line at the post office - got a crazy panic attack when they locked the door on us b/c it was noon - so i bolted - well she had to un bolt so i could bolt - so packages not sent but almost.  i hung out with my dad and we watched cheaper by the dozen 2 while i waited for my mom to get home.  we picked out tile for the new condo - mom picked it out did a great job.  while at mom's i started feeling it...like a slow moving wave that is coming for you...i couldn't eat my lunch too nauseous - then had to run to the bathroom.  okay - still doing pretty good - headed home and then to the park - sophie and i did a small loop - sat on benches twice to get around - met two adorable Bernese Mountain Dogs - Jack i think and Maui which sounded like Molly.  Then at 5 pm I got home and the wave hit...unable to eat much without getting sick - Marc made me an awesome steak and i could tolerate that will some lettuce....sat in bed since 7pm feeling weak and tired and mad as hell - because i wanted so badly to have a normal day...and then i read that post - and it reminded me of how lucky i was today - and hopefully tomorrow and many more days ahead....so for any of you out there that are bed bound - it can get better - and i wish i could figure out the miracle pill to pop and i would do everything in my power to send it to all of you...I do believe strongly in the under utilization of my UV Photophoresis Blood treatments - and once i am a bit stronger much of my energy will be devoted to working with my doctor on a clinical trial for that purpose of getting more people to use this treatment that has so few side effects - and is working - but i must focus on myself and i must get well  - isn't that a political trick if you say a lie long enough it becomes the truth - well i don't know if its a lie - but i am saying over and over again that i will beat this i will beat this i will beat this - and if this is as good as it gets i will be grateful forever more that it isn't worse and learn to live fully within its constraints. peace.

good morning...

so, this is what the morning looks like, well hello - its been awhile.  yesterday and today i have woken up early - okay so depends upon your standard of early - but its 9am and I have already wasted some time on the computer, made myself breakfast, made coffee and threw in a load of laundry.  Seriously - is the sky falling? Perhaps it was the blue moon?  But the last two mornings i have woken up - and despite being dizzy at 6:30am when I took Sophie out, and needed to sit on the bench while she decided to smell every blade of grass - around 8am when I officially got out of bed I felt somewhat like a not barely alive person.  For those of you in this esteemed club - you will understand that almost jarring feeling when you have a reprieve from the constellation of symptoms that are as selfish as a 3 year old in their insistence of  being front and center at all times.

I am not going to write much more - because I can tell it is becoming fatiguing and so baby steps today for a "normal" day...things i would like to do - finish a quarter a cup of coffee - put that laundry away - go to the park - read my book - go look for tile with my mom...get lunch...go to the pool - ahhh maybe its magical thinking or perhaps if i do all of it but just for the tiniest of increments I can have it all:)

don't feel much like writing...

I don't feel like writing  - but the good news i have begun to think again as if i am writing - this always seems to come back when i have more space in my head to deal with real life rather than sick life.  you begin to play these head games - maybe focusing and writing about this is making me worse...but then you know the flip side doesn't work - trying to forget about it - so instead i thought i would post some pictures that always make me smile...

The box that Addison gave me the day after my birthday with a plastic heart ring

The card my friend's daughter gave me two years ago on my birthday that she picked out for me
- So i framed it and it sits on my bathroom counter

The two items that were given to me the Angel Coin from a woman named Ashely and the
Penguin from my sister before I took the boards for good luck and I passed!

Ahh the healthy days...Maid of Honor I love this photo

My grandma and I when we took her to France and our crazy trip to Lourdes
One tough Cookie

used to it...

you think you would get used to it...use to waking up feeling like you have the flu again and again...or feeling good or even great and then pushing the pendulum a bit too far and crashing like slipping on a rock at the top of the mountain - only one little slip and you can fall to the bottom.  That's the thing i don't think you can explain to someone - you can learn to cope you can focus on the positive you can try and pretend you feel okay - but you just or at least i don't get used to it.  I just can't seem to wrap my head around this some days - or i still get scared that perhaps that something is even more wrong...maybe i have cancer - maybe i have an ulcer - maybe i have and the beat goes on...

heather's feathers

This was a name of a book I loved when I was little.  Perhaps it was what began my interest and love of watching birds....was perusing a few other blogs and this one caught my eye...

Taken from the blog...The Thing With Feathers by Susannah Grace. Explaining the meaning behind the name of her blog.

The name is taken from an Emily Dickinson poem, which beautifully summarises the truth that it's in the centre of life's storms that hope becomes the sweetest, the most real & constant.

Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul, And sings the tune without the words, And never stops at all, And sweetest in the gale is heard; And sore must be the storm That could abash the little bird That kept so many warm. I've heard it in the chillest land, And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity, It asked a crumb of me

Gratitude Sunday

I've been feeling really overwhelmed this past few weeks - mostly because of one really really good day that the clouds seemed to open with the possibility of what was yet to come and then it all came crashing down and its been difficult to wrap my head around it and re-adjust to another new normal - You can't wish this away or ignore it away and it doesn't make all the other stuff in life stand still - I read Carole Radziwill's memoir awhile back - What Remains - and in it she briefly mentions that this memoir is just a slice of this part of her life...and that resonated with me because that is what this blog is - its not the whole picture - its a slice - its a reprieve where I can yell and scream - ask questions and try and find answers of this slice of my life - that without this outlet has the capacity to drown me.  It was this realization that this illness could potentially and I felt was beginning to isolate me and define me that forced me to expose it in this form.  I could not wait for a book - or a resolution - or peace - I had to find the peace within  its constraints.

So, since I have felt a bit whiny these past posts - thought it was time for a reminder of all - or a snip it of what i am grateful for...

1. I have small pores - this may sound ridiculous - but its the truth.
2. When I was about 13 and gawky I was taking a walk and for some reason this thought came in my head - an age where beauty seems to define you - i realized that for once i was happy with my looks - i wasn't the most beautiful - but attractive and it seemed that for some reason people  trusted me with their secrets - or their friendship and perhaps if i was like the prettiest circle of popular girls I would be treated differently  - now let's be real its not like i still didn't contemplate a nose job - but when i got to that point - i would remind myself of that odd moment when i was 13 and she seemed a bit smarter than the one that desired to go under the knife
3. I have the best dog ever....
4. Currently my family is all pretty healthy -
5. I have good friends - friends that have come and gone and return - and I feel lucky that they always know they can
6. There were very few tornado warnings this summer so far....if any....which i didn't like the heat but that was a welcome trade off
7.  I have a really pretty yard
8. I have the best parents ever
9. The invention of DVR - (blessing and curse)
10. I have a really good memory for the important things - despite having the most difficult time with the most basic of - is the liver on the left or the right....
11. I was sick in my tweens - healthy in my twenties - sick in my thirties - the forties gives me hope - there is always still hope - that some are not given -